I've just been informed that I am the subject of an FBI dossier. That's a French word that means a file full of papers containing made-up stories about things somebody else imagines I might have done sometime when I wasn't some place I've never been, that someone I've never met swore they saw me doing before I was even born. Now, I'm no worry-wort. I don't panic easily. Generally, I oppose alarmism. But, using an expression widely expressed by so many highly-erudite, culturally-elite, well-tempered, conventionally-wise talking heads these days—I have become "deeply concerned." If I should reach the level of being "gravely concerned," you may find yourself reading the musings of a fill-in blogger in my place. For now, I'm still here. And responding to my internal defense mechanism, I whipped out my poetic license and voiced my concerns in the form of a poem. Note: For those of you who are hard of reading, and anyone else who cares to listen, please try to find the Download File link below, so you can click it and experience a dramatic oral interpretation of my latest literary effort. ![]()
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If you logged onto this page yesterday and were totally confused, who could blame you? For those who missed it, here's how it looked: Even I have no idea what that says, or what it was supposed to say before my web host scrambled my post. Yes, they appear to have gone past shadow banning and other forms of social media censorship. Now they just toss everything into a digital blender, add a dash of special algorithms, and it comes out scrambled beyond recognition. But why would they do this to my blog, out of all of the billions of blogs in cyberspace? What could I possibly have done to offend anyone? No, that wasn't a rhetorical question! To be continued... Yjo od ejsy jsmmrnd ehrn upi jsbr uout gomhrtd om yjr etpmh oksv, Gigidt wukk dvef bi aubl tw tihot owr qust zzd ldll idbk? Wziu! ![]()
Call me a "prepper" if you want. I've been called much worse. I am proud to say I am uniquely prepared for any doomsday scenario. I can survive any form of natural disaster you can imagine—earthquake, fire, flood, famine, pestilence, volcanic eruptions, the rogue planet Nibiru nearly colliding with Earth... The latter is believed by some evangelical Christians to be the event that triggers the Rapture, the second coming of Christ that ushers in the end times. And they think the planets and stars are aligned just right for that to happen today. We'll see what happens. They could be right. What—me worry? I'm confident that even when the world ends, there will still be leftovers I can pick through for sustenance. They didn't give me the nickname "garbage gut" for nothing. I've also heard that Armageddon could be nigh because Federal Communication Commission rules will take effect today that eventually will nullify the so-called "Net Neutrality" regulations that haven't really quite gone into effect themselves. (A convoluted, government-inspired sentence, that last one.) There are some who believe the death of Net Neutrality will signal doom for the internet. Yet, somehow the internet survived, prospered, and fostered innovation for a over quarter century with minimal government interference and without Net Neutrality.
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I started this blog by accident. Once it got started, I was unable to stop it. It has taken on a life of its own. It has become part of my daily routine. Nothing can stop me from making a post—gale-force winds, snow on the beach, torrential rain, sneaker waves, you name it. I'm committed, for better or for worse.
Forgive me, then, if I have questioned your commitment from time to time. I mean, what does it take to read these daily briefings—five minutes max? I get it. Reading my blog is not the centerpiece of your daily routine. I think it ought to be, but that's beside the point. I genuinely respect that your life is dominated by other priorities—work, school, children, spouse, church, hobbies, personal hygiene, social media... I've tried a few tricks to attract and keep your attention. Free stuff, for example. And dependable recurrent special features, such as Fun Fact Friday. Educational material that expands your brainpower. Exclusive expert analysis that increases your world of awareness on crucial current issues. Unparalleled humorous content—sometimes subtle, sometimes blatant, often self-deprecating, usually only appreciated by the author, which doesn't necessarily mean it's not funny. We just have different funny bones. The bottom line is, I'm giving you an opportunity to redeem yourself. It will be easy and painless. Here's how: In case you've missed any episodes, don't despair; they haven't vanished into thin air. They are, after all, on the internet. And that means they may survive forever, with or without "Net Neutrality." Just scroll to the Archives list in the sidebar, and click the link to a month of your choice. I recommend starting with the oldest and working your way up to the present. In my humble opinion, every one is an easy read. Most of them even have pictures. Many have musical accompaniment. A few episodes (like this one) come with professionally-voiced audio versions. Some have spectacular slideshows. Some have puzzles. Some are just plain puzzling. Each blog post is impeccably well-written, immaculately proofread, and tightly edited. I can't believe you have read this far. You can and should share your comments with the author and the other one or two readers by clicking—what else?—the Comments link. And why not share this blog with your kids if you have any? It's G-rated (G for Gull, that is). Share it with non-family members at your own risk. Do what I did. Take up the balancing act habit. It's unbreakable. And it's free. For now. This feels a little silly. All I really need to to do is insert a link to last Tuesday's post. But I have discovered that some of you are still not that savvy when it comes to links, in spite of my best efforts to salt and pepper my posts with appropriate links that connect you to audible and visual resources related to the subject matter of the day. That's my justification for repeating my special Valentine's Day offer. There I was, just doing my job. Picking up remnants of last night's beach party. Keeping it clean. There was a pretty strong wind coming out of the southwest, and I had to fly after a loose napkin that was being blown down the beach. When I caught up with it, I was out of breath. No, scratch that. I hardly broke a sweat.
Clutching the napkin in my bill, I flew all the way to the nearest congressional office, only to find it was closed. That long flight has delayed the publishing of my post today. But it's better late than never.
I am hoping one of you knows what this message means, and what's best to do with it, before it's too late. For all we know, the survival of the country may depend on it. Thanks for caring! Yesterday's post took aim at the growing persecution of gulls in the United Kingdom and elsewhere. Being a gull in good standing myself (even when standing on just one foot), a mixture of fear, outrage, and puzzlement came over me when I found I was being called a pest and a menace. So I poked around a little online and learned more about what was behind the anti-gull movement. The British tabloids have been full of headlines about the use of "anti-seagull drones" and other weaponry as part of a vicious backlash by coastal residents and local authorities to an alleged upswing in seagull "crimes." But exactly what crimes have been committed? I had to dig deeper.
Also in the same article:
"Emily Vincent, 36, says a herring gull killed her Yorkshire terrier in the back garden of her home in Newquay, Cornwall, last week. James Bryce, four, needed medical treatment after a gull bit his hand during a family holiday in St. Ives. It swooped down to grab a sausage roll from his hand but bit his finger instead, leaving a nasty wound." Obviously these so-called victims provoked the attacks with their carelessness—foolishly tempting a hungry gull with an untethered Yorkie or a poorly-clutched sausage roll. If you ask me, the Brits have been seeking a scapegoat to distract from their many societal problems, and we gulls have made an easy target. These incidents have probably been staged or even totally fabricated. It's FAKE NEWS, I tell you! Stop the presses! Apparently in other parts of the world, hate and violence are being directed against my kind. No, I'm not referring to my fellow dorks. I mean gulls and kittiwakes and such. Members of the family Laridæ. There is a growing hate movement, especially in the United Kingdom, that is aggressively seeking to marginalize, ostracize, silence, intimidate, and ultimately—brace yourself—exterminate seagulls. Lest you conclude that I have dived off the deep end into a shallow tide pool of conspiracy theory, here's a short list of some of the worst offenders in the war against gulls:
Just look at these home page screenshots from the last two sites on this list: Ho ho ho? I don't think so!
Fortunately, a counter-movement has emerged in the UK to fight the unconscionable persecution of my dear innocent feathered cousins, who just want to coexist on the coast in harmony and snatch their fair share of the seashore's riches. And I commend you to the Seagulls Collective, based in St. Andrews, Scotland, and its wonderful, uplifting website: Seagulls Are Not Evil Because we're not! |
Meet the AuthorHi. I'm Geo the Seagull.
I'm the distinguished Park Host on South Jetty Beach at Bandon, Oregon, USA. I'm a firm believer in First Principles: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Your Lunch. Archives
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