This week's question comes from G.W. of Hood River, Oregon: "Geo, would you please tell us what you think of smart meters?" Not much, G.W., not much. In fact, I don't trust anything that has smart in its name. Smart car, smart home, smart phone, smart watch, smart tv, smart money, smart breakfast cereal, Maxwell Smart... Smarties... To me, if you have to say you're smart, you're probably not. Now, about smart meters in particular: Some people think they're the greatest. Namely, public utility companies and government regulators. Some folks are passionately opposed to them. They fear unhealthy microwave radiation. Or they oppose the intrusive mining of personal power usage data. Or they object to coercive confiscatory fees levied against those who choose not to participate in Smart Meter programs. If you ask me—and G.W. did just that—Smart Meters are just another example of busybody technology. But I'll let you decide for yourself. So, here's a list of hot links covering the pros and cons and cons and cons and more cons of Smart Meters:
That should keep you busy for a while. As for me—I don't need a Smart Meter. I get all the energy I need for free—from the wind, from ocean waves, in dumpsters and landfills, out of the mouths of pelicans or the nets of fishermen, and from the charity of people who toss food from their cars or from their beach chairs. It's all renewable, and the Public Utilities Commission hasn't figured out how to control it. Yet.
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Yesterday's post proved inspirational. Go figure. My marketing and merchandising crew loved the idea of bumper stickers based on obscure references so much that they have launched a new business... Obscure References Bumper Stickers LLC (ORBS) They will turn your ideas into personalized bumper stickers. Click the Comments link above and submit your obscure reference. Be sure to provide contact information. My marketing experts were so inspired by yesterday's post that they immediately whipped up a new bumper sticker. I'm not exactly sure how it will fit in with my Golden Geo Gear web store, or if anyone will understand the reference. But obscure references have never stopped me in the past. One of these things is not like the others... Of course you chose the correct answer—B for Bird Control. Since I live in a special part of the world where seagulls are admired, cherished, honored, and photographed in soft focus, I sometimes forget the harsh treatment and officially sanctioned cruelty and persecution that is everyday reality for seagulls in many disparate corners of the world. But my readers occasionally snap me out of my reverie by sending me links to hate-filled individuals and institutions that remind me there is still much work to be done to rid the planet of rampant anti-seagullism.
Just when I thought I had mastered the English language, I had a little problem with my website and sought help from an online tech support chat. I had to practically stand on my head to figure out what was being said. Here's an example: Unlike others might, I didn't just come away from this experience exasperated and disillusioned. I didn't just run to Yelp® and post a negative review. No such thing. I became motivated. I'm not narrow-minded. Maybe small-minded, but open-minded nonetheless. I'm inquisitive, and I want to learn new things, to try new things. I try to be positive, creative, even groundbreaking. And I figured if Babitha could so easily mangle the language, so could I. And maybe even more successfully. All I needed was the right tool. So I took yesterday's blog post and tossed it into a word blender, which is similar to a word processor. I think it's a joint project of Microsoft® and Cuisinart®. I simply clicked the Pulse button intermittently for 30 seconds. Here's the result: Well, it's only a beta version. ![]()
I've never been to Russia. Although I hear it can be extremely cold, a lot of gulls still seem to like it there. Siberian gulls even breed on the tundra. I would be afraid of either freezing to death or starving to death. Do they even have landfills out there on the tundra? I've been hearing a lot about Russia recently. Fake news stories, podcasts about fake news stories, books about fake news stories, etc. But I haven't heard any songs or read any poems on the subject. Since I'm always trying to be first, I was motivated to write what could be the first song of its kind about a meeting with a Russian. Because I am forbidden to sing--with good reason, I must admit—I am only allowed to perform my song as a poem set to music. Have you ever encountered a word that you just can't get out of your mind? So you just have to do something with that word to get it out of your system? That happened to me when I heard the word oligarch. Apparently there are only oligarchs in Russia, because you never hear of any oligarchs anywhere else in the world. And I have heard the word oligarch one time too many. As a result, my head became so full of thoughts about oligarchs one night that I couldn't sleep until I pulled this song out of my brain. It's a short story that revolves around intrigue and food. It's what they used to call a "topical" song. I think that means you can apply it on a rash. I'm giving you the lyrics in case you can't understand my accent. ![]()
I think I'd better have a frank discussion with my merchandising wizards. They are coming up with some wacky ideas for Geo swag, and in the process they may be setting me up for a trademark infringement lawsuit. I overheard a couple of guys on the beach today who were playing around with remote controlled model airplanes. Of course I have excellent hearing, but it didn't hurt that these guys were shouting at each other to be heard over the sound of the pounding surf. And I distinctly heard one of them talking about seagull arfs.
I need to have a little palaver with my peeps in the merchandising department. What started as a project to generate potential Golden Geo merch for a possible future online store has suddenly veered off the rails. How do these new bumper sticker and produce sticker designs do anything to promote my blog and my internet celebrity status? Is this somebody's idea of a meme? I'm not even a good spokes-gull for celery. If I'm desperate I will eat it, but only if it's stuffed with peanut butter. Even then, the peanut butter sticks to my beak, so when I go to squawk I can only squeak. And that stringy stuff gets tangled up in my gullet and makes me gag. Ugh! I think I'm being punked. My merchandising mavens have done it again! This time, they've created a beautiful full-color wall poster to add to the growing selection of Golden Geo goodies. And speaking of mavens, did you know an American spacecraft named MAVEN that was launched in 2013 has been circling Mars since 2014, studying the Martian atmosphere? As you can see from these pictures, MAVEN does have some gull-wing characteristics. In recent posts, I have shared my very personal story of learning the English language by way of product labels on food packages that attracted my hungry attention in garbage cans, landfills, etc. Among my favorite sentences that I learned early through my studies of product packaging language—a sentence I have found difficult to use in this blog or other forms of communication—is this one: "Contents may have settled during shipping." I remain hopeful that one day I will learn just what is meant by that sentence, and then maybe I will find an appropriate time to put it to use. Some especially instructive labels do not necessarily appear on food or beverage containers, however. That is something I learned the hard way when I naïvely took a swig of Dr. Bronner's 18-in-1 Peppermint Soap®. That stuff is not only NOT food, but it actually caused a burning bubble bath to form inside of me.
Don't be surprised if some of the timeless wisdom expressed on the Dr. Bronner's Soap® bottle appears on future Golden Geo gear. Or in my poetry. Or in future blog posts exploring seagull spirituality. Like this: "Small minds decay! Average minds delay! Great minds teach All-One today!" I love the strategic use of exclamation points! I'm All-In! And I invite you to read and learn! I could hardly have anticipated the way so many of you have become fascinated with how I learned English by reading the labels on discarded cans, bottles, bags, and boxes while I consumed what was left inside. Some of the first words I learned are still etched in my brain: "natural and artificial flavors" "pyridoxine hydrochloride" "mono- and diglycerides" "BHT added to the packaging material to preserve freshness" "monounsaturated fat" and one of my most favorites, "mixed tocopherols added as an antioxidant" I have no idea what it all means, but doesn't it sound impressive? Here's a sequel to yesterday's post about how I have developed exceptional English language skills by studying food packaging I find in trash cans and dumpsters.
As an appropriate postscript to today's post, my design staff came up with an appropriate bumper sticker to add to our online inventory. I've been scammed! Vannity Press, Inc. is a rip-off. They made me think I had something unique to offer, and they put a beautiful flattering cover on my book. But it turned out to be a copy of somebody else's book cover. Now nobody wants to sell my book because they fear a lawsuit. I would be so humiliated if I were capable of that sentiment. Instead, I am incredibly peeved. And I'm beginning to think this is another instance of seagull hate. Yes, I'm pretty confident that I have been set up, taken advantage of, and made to look bad because of what I am. I'm going to talk to my lawyer. Anyway, see for yourself... I have been getting the weirdest phone calls lately. A lot of them are coming from Searchlight, Nevada. I don't bother to answer them. Doesn't retired Senator Harry Reid have anything better to do? Maybe you don't get the reference. But you can always use your own search engine and find out about this guy. What a fraud! There was another call the other day that I ignored as well, but this time the caller left voicemail. Being curious, I listened to the message, which said the people at Vannity Press, Inc. knew I had a great personal story to tell, and they were eager to publish it for me. One of my avid readers must have told them about me. Anyway, they left a phone number for me to contact them (1-833-VANNITY), which I did. As a result, I'm about to hit the bookstores and newsstands and Costco and Amazon with my very first book, The Art of the Gull. When we get my online store up and running, you'll be able to buy it there, too. Here's a look at the cover. You guys rock! My readers are the best! Your excellent suggestions keep coming in for great Golden Geo promotional gear. And someone has pointed out that we didn't have anything to offer for infants and toddlers. Well, it didn't take long for my merchandising geniuses to respond. Here's a tentative selection of Golden Geo products just for the little humans in your life: Keep those suggestions coming.
Readers have helped us realize that a Golden Geo online store would amount to little without bumper stickers and decals. And we're ready with a lineup of spot-on messages that will stand out wherever they're stuck. See the samples below. We value your continued input. Just click the comments button. Check it out! My merchandising specialists have another trio of potential Golden Geo souvenir items for your approval. Soon we may have enough products to open my very own online store! Feedback has been overwhelming so far. What do you think? What's your favorite? Any suggestions for additional Geo gear? Just click the Comments link above and chime in. Thank you for your overwhelming response to the first few items in our new line of Golden Geo merchandise. Notice the absence of Impact font. Here's a few more for you to review. I'm thinking of putting my golden name on a variety of merchandise, because I want my blog readers, YouTube fans, and folks who come to see me at work to have something to remember me by. My webbed editor, who serves as my promotions director, my design consultant, my merchandising manager, and my alter ego, has created a handful of prototype items bearing my name in gold. Here's a preview of what may soon be available in the Geo Store. Please use the Comments link above to let me know what you think of these items. Disclaimer: We were not able to afford real gold for these mock-up versions, but who knows what we might be able to do for the right price... P.S. Somehow my phone read yesterday's post. I just got an ad for gas detectors. So far, we've encountered gull wing designs in aeronautics, architecture, and in the automotive industry. Now we find that the term "gull wing" has shown up in the realm of interior decorating. That is, it has become a descriptor of color. Except everyone seems to see a different color when they think of gull wings. I'd say the prize for accuracy goes to the paint maker Benjamin Moore®.
Mohawk® flooring's Gull Wing carpet color comes in a reasonable second. But I have yet to see a gull whose wings match the other two carpet samples below—one from Lowe's® and one from The Home Depot®. The Stainmaster® carpet even looks like it comes pre-stained. Or is that spot in the middle actually a cigarette burn? And what about the remaining scrap. It looks more like the color of sand. But at $2.25/square foot, it could be your best buy for a rental unit. Just sayin'. See for yourself: In case you've been thinking I've lost interest in starting a meme that takes the internet by storm, may I suggest you take a scroll through the past couple of weeks of balancing act posts. Sure, seagulls seem simple. (Note the sophisticated alliteration.) After all, we invented WYSIWYG. You know--What You See Is What You Get*. Eat, fly, squawk. Kinda sums it up. But not really. That barely scratches the surface. Seagulls can be much more subtle than you might think. We are rather underrated when it comes to our cunning and creativity.
Note:
One of these days, there will be a new topic for a Fun Fact Friday episode, and Geo might even lower his standards and pick your question as that topic. So keep trying. Just click the Comments link at the top of this page and submit your question. As always, remember to say, "Please."
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Meet the AuthorHi. I'm Geo the Seagull.
I'm the distinguished Park Host on South Jetty Beach at Bandon, Oregon, USA. I'm a firm believer in First Principles: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Your Lunch. Archives
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