I've just been informed that I am the subject of an FBI dossier. That's a French word that means a file full of papers containing made-up stories about things somebody else imagines I might have done sometime when I wasn't some place I've never been, that someone I've never met swore they saw me doing before I was even born. Now, I'm no worry-wort. I don't panic easily. Generally, I oppose alarmism. But, using an expression widely expressed by so many highly-erudite, culturally-elite, well-tempered, conventionally-wise talking heads these days—I have become "deeply concerned." If I should reach the level of being "gravely concerned," you may find yourself reading the musings of a fill-in blogger in my place. For now, I'm still here. And responding to my internal defense mechanism, I whipped out my poetic license and voiced my concerns in the form of a poem. Note: For those of you who are hard of reading, and anyone else who cares to listen, please try to find the Download File link below, so you can click it and experience a dramatic oral interpretation of my latest literary effort. ![]()
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Here's what seems to be a cryptic clothing tag. Like a lot of good stuff, I found it in the trash recently. At first I thought it might have come out of a fortune cookie, but then I looked more closely. Could it be some type of top-secret confidential communication, merely disguised as a clothing tag? Please click the Comments link on this page and write a short note if you can shed any light on the meaning of these words: First of all, a "phoebe" is a real word (pronounced FEE-bee) that either means a personification of the moon or a cute little bird that eats flies. But which of these two is being launched? As for those two circled words, I have searched widely on the World Wide Web, but I've come up empty. No references to be found anywhere for "remindint" or "isdation." I might just add them to my spell checker and randomly insert them in a future blog post, just to see if anyone notices. Trying to come up with information about "isdation," I did find an enchanting 1964 Duke Ellington recording of "Isfahan," which later became a movement in his "Far East Suite." It's a musical impression of what is now Iran's third largest city. But Isfahan was once the capital of the Persian Empire and is still considered one of the world's most beautiful cities. Spanning the globe to confuse and amuse you with words—it's balancing act! Longtime readers have come to realize that this blog is the written representation of my ceaseless search for meaning in life. Or, well, at least my search for meaning in words. You may recall, I have learned English by reading every printed object I could find in the nearest dumpster. (See Fun Fact Friday #28 and the three posts that follow it.) Sometimes, what I read is baffling. Occasionally, it's more than that—it's upsetting. For example, I was enjoying the last few crumbs in a box of cookies the other day, until I started reading the label. I encountered an ingredient I had never seen before. At first, I misread that word, and I though it said "terrified soybean oil." I have heard of plants going into shock, but this sounded a bit more severe. Then, I looked closer and realized that it actually said "interesterified," which sounds like a Bushism or a Sharptonism and doesn't get past my spell-checker. But it turns out interesterified is an actual word for an unnatural act performed on unwilling soybeans, so they may as well be terrified. I was frightened out of eating the rest of the cookie crumbs. And it makes me wonder how "degerminated yellow corn meal" must feel.* They say that reading is the key to learning. They also say ignorance is bliss. I may have to separate my learning from my eating. *My spell checker thinks I must have meant degemination (without the r). None of the gulls I know can read, so this blog is meaningless to them. A lot of people who can read don't understand what's been written, here or anywhere. Those who can hear don't necessarily bother to listen. ![]()
Some who read this blog get what it's about. Some don't. What it's about is the way I see the world. It's about holding a mirror to the world. There are imperfections in the glass. Still, there's beauty in the reflection. There's ugliness, too. And irony. And absurdity. And consistencies, sometimes. And unpredictability. It's a balancing act.
I try to avoid this, and I'm sure you do to: being put on hold, as the recorded professional voice talent says, because "all of our agents are busy, but we'll be with you as soon as we can..." Which might even mean sooner than tomorrow. So there I was on hold again. Grooving to the warm sounds of some 90s smooth jazz, finger-popping (of course, not literally) to a hard bop 70's boogaloo beat, humming along with a familiar Mozart piece. Repeat. And repeat again. The 70s and the 90s and the 18th century are alive and well—well, maybe not so well—in the form of music on hold. I say "not so well" because static and garble—nearly eradicated by digital recording and broadcasting—still infect the timeless space of music on hold. My audio technicians have produced a short sample of their impression of a music on hold announcement that sounds like a worn-out cassette recording being broadcast on a distant AM radio station heard over a 60s pocket radio. For the background music, they borrowed a snip from Swiss-born smooth jazz musician Alex Bugnon's "Strollin" (2001). Click Download File to listen. ![]()
This week's question comes from G.W. of Hood River, Oregon: "Geo, would you please tell us what you think of smart meters?" Not much, G.W., not much. In fact, I don't trust anything that has smart in its name. Smart car, smart home, smart phone, smart watch, smart tv, smart money, smart breakfast cereal, Maxwell Smart... Smarties... To me, if you have to say you're smart, you're probably not. Now, about smart meters in particular: Some people think they're the greatest. Namely, public utility companies and government regulators. Some folks are passionately opposed to them. They fear unhealthy microwave radiation. Or they oppose the intrusive mining of personal power usage data. Or they object to coercive confiscatory fees levied against those who choose not to participate in Smart Meter programs. If you ask me—and G.W. did just that—Smart Meters are just another example of busybody technology. But I'll let you decide for yourself. So, here's a list of hot links covering the pros and cons and cons and cons and more cons of Smart Meters:
That should keep you busy for a while. As for me—I don't need a Smart Meter. I get all the energy I need for free—from the wind, from ocean waves, in dumpsters and landfills, out of the mouths of pelicans or the nets of fishermen, and from the charity of people who toss food from their cars or from their beach chairs. It's all renewable, and the Public Utilities Commission hasn't figured out how to control it. Yet. I feel like I'm getting into a rut here. With the help and encouragement of my merchandise associates. According to The Free Dictionary, a rut is a noun that usually means:
Given this context, here's our latest bumper sticker offering: At least I should be able to claw my way out of this rut tomorrow, when it's Fun Fact Friday. Unless I get a question about bumper stickers. Contribute your Fun Fact Friday question by clicking the Comments link at the top of this page. My marketing staff is really cranking out the bumper stickers. I love their energy. But I'm not sure how to take this one. At least they used the Seagull font. Yesterday's post proved inspirational. Go figure. My marketing and merchandising crew loved the idea of bumper stickers based on obscure references so much that they have launched a new business... Obscure References Bumper Stickers LLC (ORBS) They will turn your ideas into personalized bumper stickers. Click the Comments link above and submit your obscure reference. Be sure to provide contact information. My marketing experts were so inspired by yesterday's post that they immediately whipped up a new bumper sticker. I'm not exactly sure how it will fit in with my Golden Geo Gear web store, or if anyone will understand the reference. But obscure references have never stopped me in the past.
But I remained curious as to what all the excitement was about. It turned out to be a peculiarly human celebration called a wedding, celebrating the union of two particular humans. In this case the wedding had its own name—the "Brash Wedding," which I learned was a contraction made by combining the names of the particular humans who were just married—Brian and Ashley. Having established these ancillary facts, I concluded my investigation and resumed eating. I would have wished these Brian and Ashley persons all the best, but I was taught never to squawk with my mouthful. This week, G.M. of Liberty, Maine, asks: "Geo, can you please let us hear more from your musician friends, the Four Rs?" Let's hear it for the Mainers! That makes two straight weeks of questions from Down East. You Mainiacs are the best! It's understandable that everyone from Down East to the Far West wants to hear more from the Four Rs. These players are noted for their versatility and their audacity. They are unbelievable in every sense of the word. Our microphones were able to capture the Four Rs in a recent warmup session. The resulting track is called "Babbly Bop Jam." It's a tour de force that shows off their instrumental virtuosity and imagination. So click the link below, slip into your earbuds, kick back, close your eyes, and enjoy the Four Rs—Rusty, Rock, Rudy, and Rip—in full-spectrum stereophonic splendor. ![]()
Fun Fact Fridays are just for you, the balancing act reader. Click the Comments link above to submit your question on any subject for Geo. Always say please, please.
If you logged onto this page yesterday and were totally confused, who could blame you? For those who missed it, here's how it looked: Even I have no idea what that says, or what it was supposed to say before my web host scrambled my post. Yes, they appear to have gone past shadow banning and other forms of social media censorship. Now they just toss everything into a digital blender, add a dash of special algorithms, and it comes out scrambled beyond recognition. But why would they do this to my blog, out of all of the billions of blogs in cyberspace? What could I possibly have done to offend anyone? No, that wasn't a rhetorical question! To be continued... Yjo od ejsy jsmmrnd ehrn upi jsbr uout gomhrtd om yjr etpmh oksv, Gigidt wukk dvef bi aubl tw tihot owr qust zzd ldll idbk? Wziu! ![]()
One of these things is not like the others... Of course you chose the correct answer—B for Bird Control. Since I live in a special part of the world where seagulls are admired, cherished, honored, and photographed in soft focus, I sometimes forget the harsh treatment and officially sanctioned cruelty and persecution that is everyday reality for seagulls in many disparate corners of the world. But my readers occasionally snap me out of my reverie by sending me links to hate-filled individuals and institutions that remind me there is still much work to be done to rid the planet of rampant anti-seagullism.
For this week's special prime number edition of Fun Fact Friday, I will answer not one, but two reader questions. P.L. of Westbrook, Maine has contributed the first question: "Geo, please tell us why you never give credit to the musicians on your recorded song/poems." Well, P.L., the main reason is I don't want to embarrass them. But, thanks to your question, I have received permission to tell you who provides the amazing backup music on my recordings. Collectively, they are known as the Four Rs: Most prominently featured is the backbone of the band—guitarist Rusty Skillet. Laying down the beats is our percussionist extraordinaire--Rock Harder. Blowing a mean harmonica and sometimes caught whistling—Rudy Tooter. And pulling it all together with special effects and audio processing trickery—Rip Trousers. Now for the second question, here's what J.L. of Fargo, North Dakota asks: "Please explain, Geo, why are your poems and songs so short?" That's easy. I have the attention span of a seagull. That's why. If you have a question for Geo, that's what Fun Fact Fridays are all about. Submit your question by clicking the Comments link above. And remember to say, "Please." Just when I thought I had mastered the English language, I had a little problem with my website and sought help from an online tech support chat. I had to practically stand on my head to figure out what was being said. Here's an example: Unlike others might, I didn't just come away from this experience exasperated and disillusioned. I didn't just run to Yelp® and post a negative review. No such thing. I became motivated. I'm not narrow-minded. Maybe small-minded, but open-minded nonetheless. I'm inquisitive, and I want to learn new things, to try new things. I try to be positive, creative, even groundbreaking. And I figured if Babitha could so easily mangle the language, so could I. And maybe even more successfully. All I needed was the right tool. So I took yesterday's blog post and tossed it into a word blender, which is similar to a word processor. I think it's a joint project of Microsoft® and Cuisinart®. I simply clicked the Pulse button intermittently for 30 seconds. Here's the result: Well, it's only a beta version. I think I've made a grievous mistake. Yesterday, I posted my newest song/poem here. It was inspired by current events, but not based on real events. In other words, it was pure fiction. Not to be taken literally. And in my mind, it was totally acceptable under the terms of my poetic license. But now my legal team tells me I should have cleared it with them first, due to the sensitive nature of the subject matter. Why must everyone be so touchy? I'm not sure what the ramifications will be, now that yesterday's post has been published and is probably out there in cyberspace forever. Even though it's probably too late to cover my tracks, I am going to pretend that yesterday never happened. Maybe I can just casually delete yesterday's post. Today I will at least do what my legal advisers say I should have done in the first place. In the interest of national security, I am replacing the unabridged lyric sheet and the unedited recording of my song/poem with heavily-redacted versions, both in print and in audio. I hope the next message in a bottle that washes up on my beach isn't a grand jury subpœna. ![]()
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I've never been to Russia. Although I hear it can be extremely cold, a lot of gulls still seem to like it there. Siberian gulls even breed on the tundra. I would be afraid of either freezing to death or starving to death. Do they even have landfills out there on the tundra? I've been hearing a lot about Russia recently. Fake news stories, podcasts about fake news stories, books about fake news stories, etc. But I haven't heard any songs or read any poems on the subject. Since I'm always trying to be first, I was motivated to write what could be the first song of its kind about a meeting with a Russian. Because I am forbidden to sing--with good reason, I must admit—I am only allowed to perform my song as a poem set to music. Have you ever encountered a word that you just can't get out of your mind? So you just have to do something with that word to get it out of your system? That happened to me when I heard the word oligarch. Apparently there are only oligarchs in Russia, because you never hear of any oligarchs anywhere else in the world. And I have heard the word oligarch one time too many. As a result, my head became so full of thoughts about oligarchs one night that I couldn't sleep until I pulled this song out of my brain. It's a short story that revolves around intrigue and food. It's what they used to call a "topical" song. I think that means you can apply it on a rash. I'm giving you the lyrics in case you can't understand my accent. ![]()
I think I'd better have a frank discussion with my merchandising wizards. They are coming up with some wacky ideas for Geo swag, and in the process they may be setting me up for a trademark infringement lawsuit. |
Meet the AuthorHi. I'm Geo the Seagull.
I'm the distinguished Park Host on South Jetty Beach at Bandon, Oregon, USA. I'm a firm believer in First Principles: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Your Lunch. Archives
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