None of the gulls I know can read, so this blog is meaningless to them. A lot of people who can read don't understand what's been written, here or anywhere. Those who can hear don't necessarily bother to listen. ![]()
Some who read this blog get what it's about. Some don't. What it's about is the way I see the world. It's about holding a mirror to the world. There are imperfections in the glass. Still, there's beauty in the reflection. There's ugliness, too. And irony. And absurdity. And consistencies, sometimes. And unpredictability. It's a balancing act.
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This week's question comes from G.W. of Hood River, Oregon: "Geo, would you please tell us what you think of smart meters?" Not much, G.W., not much. In fact, I don't trust anything that has smart in its name. Smart car, smart home, smart phone, smart watch, smart tv, smart money, smart breakfast cereal, Maxwell Smart... Smarties... To me, if you have to say you're smart, you're probably not. Now, about smart meters in particular: Some people think they're the greatest. Namely, public utility companies and government regulators. Some folks are passionately opposed to them. They fear unhealthy microwave radiation. Or they oppose the intrusive mining of personal power usage data. Or they object to coercive confiscatory fees levied against those who choose not to participate in Smart Meter programs. If you ask me—and G.W. did just that—Smart Meters are just another example of busybody technology. But I'll let you decide for yourself. So, here's a list of hot links covering the pros and cons and cons and cons and more cons of Smart Meters:
That should keep you busy for a while. As for me—I don't need a Smart Meter. I get all the energy I need for free—from the wind, from ocean waves, in dumpsters and landfills, out of the mouths of pelicans or the nets of fishermen, and from the charity of people who toss food from their cars or from their beach chairs. It's all renewable, and the Public Utilities Commission hasn't figured out how to control it. Yet. I think I'd better have a frank discussion with my merchandising wizards. They are coming up with some wacky ideas for Geo swag, and in the process they may be setting me up for a trademark infringement lawsuit. I know I've been heaping praise on my merchandising crew. Until now. But somebody's going to have to explain this new bumper sticker to me. For one thing, I can't figure out if that gull is coming or going or rising or falling. It appears to be in the middle of doing a mid-air flip. I can't quite connect the words to the picture, either. It's not just me, is it? I'd say it's a dud. Maybe if it said "seagulls are so scintillating" or "special" or "spectacular" or even "snarky." But...sustainable? In recent posts, I have shared my very personal story of learning the English language by way of product labels on food packages that attracted my hungry attention in garbage cans, landfills, etc. Among my favorite sentences that I learned early through my studies of product packaging language—a sentence I have found difficult to use in this blog or other forms of communication—is this one: "Contents may have settled during shipping." I remain hopeful that one day I will learn just what is meant by that sentence, and then maybe I will find an appropriate time to put it to use. Some especially instructive labels do not necessarily appear on food or beverage containers, however. That is something I learned the hard way when I naïvely took a swig of Dr. Bronner's 18-in-1 Peppermint Soap®. That stuff is not only NOT food, but it actually caused a burning bubble bath to form inside of me.
Don't be surprised if some of the timeless wisdom expressed on the Dr. Bronner's Soap® bottle appears on future Golden Geo gear. Or in my poetry. Or in future blog posts exploring seagull spirituality. Like this: "Small minds decay! Average minds delay! Great minds teach All-One today!" I love the strategic use of exclamation points! I'm All-In! And I invite you to read and learn! Here's a sequel to yesterday's post about how I have developed exceptional English language skills by studying food packaging I find in trash cans and dumpsters.
As an appropriate postscript to today's post, my design staff came up with an appropriate bumper sticker to add to our online inventory. This week's question comes from T.J. of Shadwell, Virginia, who asks: "Please tell us, Geo, since English is not your native language, how did you learn to write so beautifully?" T.J., you flatter me. And I deserve it. Ever since I first poked around in the nearest trash can, I have found tasty morsels of food in boxes or bags or bottles or cans that have markings known as words on them. At an early age, I became fascinated with the meaning of those words. Humans underestimate the mental prowess we seagulls possess. We can learn and we can retain and apply what we learn. Over time, I have developed a massive English vocabulary, and not only can I spell every word correctly, I can use every word correctly. And I can recognize misspelled words and incorrectly used words and phrases. I daresay I am at least as good with my English as most of you are with yours. And I haven't given up on getting my writings printed by a reputable publishing company. Here's an example of the educational material I encounter in the garbage every day: If it has to do with food, I learn even faster. And, incidentally, I always do say thank you for the food, just as I always ask for more. Maybe it's time for you to ask Geo a question he can respond to in next week's Fun Fact Friday episode. Just click the Comments link above. Be sure to say "please." ![]()
You never know what might turn up on the beach. Sometimes in winter† and early spring, the beach disappears under a maze of driftwood. In the early summer, waves of by-the-wind-sailors (or velella) wash ashore.
From D.B. in Redway, California comes this question: "Geo, I read somewhere online that seagull flatulence is a major cause of global warming. Please tell me, can this be true?" Well, D.B., you must not believe everything you read on the internet (including this blog). Besides, there is disagreement among humans as to whether or not seagulls do emit gas. Nobody seems to know for sure, because we gulls are so discreet about it (discrete, too). And I am unwilling to clear the air by saying one way or the other. Nonetheless, some humans are incapable of appreciating the spirit of generosity behind our sharing of sacrificial excrement. As evidence, I link you to this hate-filled poem. Talk about someone who needs a cold shower! So there. That was easy. Remember to say "please" when you click the Comments link above and submit your question that could either be answered or avoided by Geo in next week's Fun Fact Friday.
Note:
One of these days, there will be a new topic for a Fun Fact Friday episode, and Geo might even lower his standards and pick your question as that topic. So keep trying. Just click the Comments link at the top of this page and submit your question. As always, remember to say, "Please."
Sometimes I feel like the world is just passing me by. Like, April is almost over. And, by the way, what ever happened to March? It's been gone for almost a month, but I'm just now missing it. I can't even remember if it went out like a lamb or a lion. There was all kinds of marching going on back in March, and I missed out on that, too. Marching for X, marching against Y. Marching to remember Z. Marching to get something started. Marching to end something.
Is there a verb "to April?" If there is, I bet we seagulls excel at it. Because April* means time to make more seagulls. We're good at that. But we're losers when it comes to marching. *Today's musical link brings you "April Love," a 1957 hit by Pat Boone.
Musical link by Kermit the Frog on Sesame Street, 1970.
This week's Fun Fact Friday question was submitted by T.H. of Tukwila, Washington. "Please, Geo, can you explain how there never seems to be a shortage of seagulls?" To answer this question, I had to read between the lines. Which I am perfectly capable of doing, thanks to my exclusive enhanced seagull analytic powers. Seems to me T.H. is asking me to explain about the birds and the bees. Except we can leave the bees out of this story.
The same story is repeated year after year, starring the same pair of seagulls. We gulls, you see, are mainly monogamous, and couples tend to stay together through thick and thin, as Mrs. Seagull and I have done. In fact, seagulls who stray from their mate or file for divorce are often ostracized within their colony. They become the object of incessant squawking. Squakracized, you might say. Let's just say we seagulls came up with a successful formula a long time ago, and we've been perfecting it for something like thirty million years. We're not going away any time soon. Sources for this edition of Fun Fact Friday include... animalwhoop.com allaboutbirds.org rspb.org.uk To submit your potential Fun Fact Friday question for Geo, just click the Comments link in the top right corner of this post. Be sure to say "please" if you really want Geo to answer your question.
March 29 is the first date on the Geo Taylors calendar. Every year about this time, we seagulls get busy and help perpetuate our kind. When Mrs. Seagull and I began that mission many years ago, on this very day, it brought us together, and we never will part. That's the seagull way. That’s the way things ought to be. And it's a sneak preview of tomorrow's Fun Fact Friday topic. Musical link by Chet Petty and the Playboys, 1959.
Riddle me this:
What kind of person is wound up a little too tight? Answer: The kind of lonely troll who submitted this comment after yesterday's post: "Geo, have you ever considered how many trees had to be chopped down in their prime, merely to be turned into Popsicle® stick riddles?" My answer: "Yes, I have considered that. And in my opinion it was just enough." (Trying to set a new World Wide Web record for most colons used in a single blog post.) I wonder if this is the same malcontent who reported me to the Thought Police after I remarked that a plastic-bag-swallowing seagull won't be making the cut when natural selection picks the starting lineup. The next thing you know, the Southern Poverty Law Center (which has nothing to do with poverty or law—or the South, for that matter) will be adding me to its list of haters. Give me a break! I am a seagull. I am the guy who reports on seagull hate. I don't hate my own kind. I just reject the stupid ones. (Trying to set a new World Wide Web record for most boldface text in a single blog post.) Yet...there's a saying that all publicity is good publicity. Being added to the media's favorite hate list could bring some traffic to my blog. But I do hope I don't live to eat those words. That could be as unpleasant as eating rubber, glass, or Styrofoam. There has to be a better way to recycle that stuff. (musical link by the Tijuana Brass, 1962) (* M.A.R.G.A.) In an attempt to unify the country in total disgust, balancing act presents... ANOTHER POPSICLE® STICK RIDDLE SLIDESHOW I know. I know. I'm overdue for a Seagull Hate Report. Have patience, dear reader! It's not that there isn't a ton of news out there about the increasing worldwide persecution of gulls. In fact, I am in the middle of ongoing research into some of the latest atrocities. You will be appalled soon enough. But, in the process of studying the bad news, I have stumbled onto some good-news stories that shine a positive light on gulldom (spell-check does not think that's a word, either). And I feel like sharing the good news first.
GEO'S GREATEST POPSICLE® STICK RIDDLES SLIDESHOW ![]()
I'm pleased to note that so far nobody's complained about my Freaky Electrical Outlet and Power Cord Slideshow that debuted a few days ago. Nobody's gone out of their way to compliment me on it either. But that won't stop me from occasionally posting more world premiere slideshows. And today is one of those occasions. You see, my head is full of ideas. But my stomach is empty. Let me take a closer look at your lunch, while you feast your eyes on my latest artistic concoction... ANOTHER BLOGOSPHERE FIRST: A FREAKY CLOCK FACE SLIDESHOW! 1706-1790 A great American. ![]() “The doorstep to the temple of wisdom is a knowledge of our own ignorance.” I have not dropped my campaign against seagull hate; I've just taken a hiatus. It's not easy to work full-time and still keep up with everything going on in the world. And seagulls are suffering all over the world, because we live practically everywhere.
But I do manage to stay in touch by listening to squawk radio shows, and occasionally talk radio shows as well. To stay balanced, I tuck my smart phone under my left wing for a while. Then I switch it to my right wing. My overall philosophy is not to question anyone's politics if they are giving me free food. I'm not a single-issue bird, either. For example, I also happen to be especially passionate about global climate change, and I heard an intriguing theory on Bill Meyer's show out of Medford last week. It was thought-provoking and scientifically sound, so I hope you'll take the time to listen to at least part of the interview. Now, I would gladly take personal responsibility for rising ocean levels and the warming of the planet. More ocean... more warmth... Sounds delightful! And I firmly believe gulls must have had some influence over the earth’s climate, because we've survived so many periods of warming and cooling over the past 30 million years. But the guest on this particular show did present solid factual evidence that the planet itself is responsible. To coin a phrase: It’s the volcanism, stupid! (or vulcanism, if that's your preference) For variety's sake, I've also been listening to broadcasts of soccer games lately. I love it when the announcer shouts, "GULL!" P.S. Happy Birthday, Howie Carr! Thanks to everyone for the great feedback on Fun Fact Friday #1. Some of you expressed concern that I might be worried about my own life expectancy. What, me worry? Some of you also offered words of encouragement, like Spock's Vulcan salute—"Live Long and Prosper." I have my own versions... But I was puzzled by these words of encouragement: But I'm not troubled by having a relatively short lifespan. It really does have its advantages.
For instance, it's tough for anyone to accuse me of something illegal, immoral, or indefensible that I might have committed 20 or 30 years ago, because I wasn't even born yet! So I say, "Live like there's no tomorrow!" Hey, this is only a test anyway. (The Grass Roots, 1967) In yesterday's post, I casually alluded to the average life expectancy of a gull, under the assumption that the reader would already have that knowledge. Later, I realized that even I didn't know how long we gulls are expected to live, so I had to do some research.
Thus begins a new weekly feature here at the balancing act blog: Fun Fact Friday! According to Howlongdolive.com (Yikes! That's really their name!) and Reference.com, seagulls can expect to live 20 years or more. Unfortunately, many of us disappoint by falling victim to predators, bad food, food fights, tsunamis, or in-flight collisions, and we don't make it out of the single digits. There is also some disagreement among the so-called experts. After an internal debate, Answers.com winds up with two answers: either it's 5 to 15 years, or maybe it's 7 to 10 years. Onekindplanet.org estimates 10 to 15 years. My own age? Well, the usual reason people ask me my age is because they want to tell me to act my age. The trouble is, I don't exactly know how old I am. Okay, to be more precise, I should say I refuse to accept how old I am. I daresay most of you wouldn't know the difference between a 20-year-old old gull and a two-year-old anyway. We look pretty much the same from the time we leave the nest to the time we vanish into the golden Pacific sunset. And it's been that way for at least 30 million years. I'd say we've met and exceeded anyone's lifespan expectations. Now...what's in your lunch? As you can see, lots of my relatives were here already, and I'll be hanging out with them until further notice. It's like gull heaven on earth!
Refuge... Refuse... That English language is something else. What a difference one little letter can make! |
Meet the AuthorHi. I'm Geo the Seagull.
I'm the distinguished Park Host on South Jetty Beach at Bandon, Oregon, USA. I'm a firm believer in First Principles: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Your Lunch. Archives
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